The Mad Magician - The Lovely Chastity and the Chinese Water Torture Cabinet

Excerpt from the Journal of the Mad Magician.

---

Dear Journal,

At this time I feel I must tell of when I was at a low point of my career.

Not that my skills or genius was lacking. Heaven forbid! No, this low point was do to the circumstances and individuals I was involved with at the time.

You see the lowly lackeys of the law were hot on my heels and I needed place to lie low for awhile. And you can't get much lower then Lampini's Carnival and Midway Sideshows.

Yes, I regret to say that I had been reduced to performing as a magician in a carnival sideshow.

Carnivals. The last decaying remains of a once glorious gilded age of traveling entertainment.

But now the only thing lower then carnivals in the entertainment world is performing at Weddings and Birthday Parties.

Oh, the Horror of the William's Wedding! The Unspeakable Acts committed at the Burkoweizst Bar Mitzvah!

But those are not stories to be told here. Indeed, it is better that they be left buried in the past and under that parking lot in New Jersey.

But I digress

Carnies!

I was for--d to work with the lowest of the low. Creatures without morals, lacking in character and of questionable personal hygiene. My skin still crawls at the thought.

Every hour, on the hour I performed my act for 50 cents a head. I had only 15 minutes of stage time before the next act was brought out which happened to be the Pulchritudinous Polly and her Prancing Poodles.

Thank goodness I performed before and not after her and her mutts!

Fifteen minutes! Barely time to open a deck of cards and wave my magic wand, much less performing any magic of style and elegance.

Even though the conditions were bad at the carnival, there were some intriguing possibilities for a lovely assistant. I thought it would be interesting to give Brunhilda the Bearded Babe a close shave! Or Ophelia and Ophira, the most beautiful Siamese Twins I had ever seen, would have been excellent! Their "Dance of the Golden Serpent" had to be seen to be believed!

But I was not even allowed this small consolation! Instead I was for--d to accept carnival owner's niece, the ill name Chastity, as my assistant!

Even now, I still hesitate to call her the Lovely Chastity, although all magician assistants are by definition Lovely.

Oh, I suppose she was attractive, in a white trash, trailer park, biker slut sort of way. She was a slovenly slattern, who smoked foul smelling cigarettes, used scurrilous language and slouched whenever she was on stage. I hate bad posture! Her hair was cut short and dyed a color of red that is not to be found in nature. What she lacked in brains she made up for by her bust size. She had tattoos and various portions of her anatomy were pierced. I've never understood the appeal of ritualistic self mutilation.

Some may choose Chastity, I had Chastity thrust upon me.

Even after we finished performing on stage I was for--d to endure her company. When I was not performing magic, I had to put on a clown costume to be drenched by the local yokels in a dunk tank while the "Lovely" Chastity sold the tickets!

Oh the indignity of it all! The taunts and humiliations I suffered!

At the end of each night there would be one last insult to be added to injury. Chastity's boyfriend, Arno, would come to the dunking booth. She would hand him a ball that he would then throw it at the target to send me once last time into the cold and clammy waters of the tank. Then laughing, they would go out into the night to consummate their unholy lusts in some dark and hidden corner.

The bitter thoughts and memories of that time still cause the bile to rise up within me.

In time, my depression and torment grew until I seriously considered turning my self in to the police to escape this anteroom of Hell!
Fortunately, in the darkness of despair, my pride and innate greatness rose up to rescue me. Could I allow these dregs of villainy to destroy me? Would I accept defeat from these pathetic creatures? Will I not have my revenge for the insults I have suffered? Am I Not the Mad Magician?!!!

Yes, Yes, a thousand times Yes! I would have my Revenge on this Carnival of Cretins, the Despicable Arno, and most especially on the Lovely Chastity!

It took a few days to make my plans and preparations, but at last all was ready.

After the last magic performance for the day, the Lovely Chastity and I went back stage. As we were walking, I stopped suddenly, pointed behind her and said, "What is that?" As she turned to look, I struck her over the head rendering her insensible.

I know. That wasn't subtle or original, but I was irritable and impatient.

A short while latter, we were back at the dunking booth for the last time.
I had put on my clown costume and had covered dunk tank with a cloth to hide it from the view of the public.

I stood in front of the booth and in the tradition of the best of the carnival barkers called to the crowd. "Ladies and Gentlemen. Boys and Girls. Come One. Come all. Hit the Target, Win a Prize. See the Lady Fight for her Life!" With a grand flourish, I pulled away the cloth and revealed the Lovely Chastity sitting above the dunk tank.

The Chinese Water Torture Cabinet was the inspiration of this Grand Performance.

With Chinese Water Torture Cabinet, the magician is bound in a strait jacket, ropes, chains or a combination of all three. His feet are locked in stocks. He is then suspended upside down over a large glass cabinet filled with water. He is then slowly lowered, head first, into the water. The stocks holding his feet are locked to the top of the cabinet. Now he is upside down, completely immersed in water except for his feet, which are locked at the top of the cabinet. Now he must escape his bonds, the stocks and the cabinet before he drowns.

With the Lovely Chastity, I didn't not make a exact replica of the Chinese Water Torture Cabinet. But with the materials at hand, I made a close approximation. Besides, the title "The Lovely Chastity and the Dunk Tank" just doesn't have the same panache.

I did not have a straight jacket on hand, so I had securely wrapped the Lovely Chastity in several feet of chain. I did not hang her upside down as is done in the classic version of the trick. That would have cause blood to reach the Lovely Chastity's brain for the first time in her life. I was afraid that the shock of that would kill her outright. Instead I had her sitting on the bar over the open top of the cabinet. The bar would release and drop her into the cabinet when the target was hit with a ball. Since she was not upside down, I had attached a heavy weight to her feet to keep her from squirming too much. When she eventually enters the water, the weight would drag her to the bottom and to her doom. I had dressed her in a black tee shirt and bikini bottoms and had placed a wide leather gag over her mouth to prevent her from calling out for help.
Ironically, her outfit, the chains and the gag were all items that I had found in her own trailer. I was amazed and disgusted at some of the other things I found in there. Didn't the woman ever clean? How long had those dishing been sitting in the sink? Egad!

To prolong the suspense and to give more people a chance to participate, I had attached the target on the end of a movable rod. Using ropes and pulleys, I could move the target up, down, back and forth. It would take a skilled pitcher, or blind luck, to hit that target. And when they finally hit the target, the Lovely Chastity would enter her last wet tee shirt contest.
So now the Lovely Chastity was bound, sitting on the bench over the glass enclosed dunk tank, awaiting her fate.

"Who will be the First to Try?" I called out.

"Strike One. Strike Two. Strike Three. Next!"

Oh, it was a delight to see her twist and squirm as she struggled to keep her balance on the bar.

"Step forward Gentleman and help get the Lady get into the Water!"

In a short time a fairly large crowd had gathered. Each eager to have a chance to win the prize.

"Strike One. Strike Two. Strike Three. Next!"

Her hand were clenching and writhing as she tried to get free.

"Watch as this World Renown Escape Artist display her Talents!"

I'll admit the Lovely Chastity was a better draw at this sort of performance then I was.

"Strike One. Strike Two. Strike Three. Next!"

I was enjoying this way too much.

"Come and Thrill at the Sight of her Struggling to Escape her Damp Demise!"

I wish I had thought to raise the ticket price.

"Strike One. Strike Two." Clang!!!

The Lovely Chastity closed her eyes and shuddered as she waited to hit the water.

"Hey! I hit it! Why didn't she fall? This is a rip-off!" said my dissatisfied customer.

"No. Not at all my good man. The mechanism must have been jammed. Yes, a bit of rust here. But, just to be fair, here are three more free balls and I won't move the target this time." I said. "This should be easy for you."

Actually, I had the safety turn on so that when the target was hit it wouldn't go off. Most of the games at the carnival were rigged to cheat the customers in one way or another. And I had wanted to see the expression on her face when she thought her end was at hand!

Although much of her face was obscured by the gag, her eyes told the story.

Ah yes, there it is. The disbelief, the rage, the fear, the anticipation and the desperation!

With part one of my plan for revenge almost complete, I stepped out of the booth and prepared to begin part two.

All the attention of the crowd was focused on the Lovely Chastity and my spurious Sandy Koufax.

Swhoose. Thunk.

He Missed!

Swhoose. Thunk.

Blast it! What's wrong with this guy?

Swhoose. Clang!

At last!!!

With a resounding splash the Lovely Chastity plunged into the water. The weight tied to her feet pulling her to the bottom. Her tee shirt, already skin tight, became semi-transparent within the water.

Now there was a noise like cans falling over. Then there was a sudden flash and flames sprang up from the top of the cabinet.

I forgot to mention the fire. It was my own final touch. I arranged it so that oil would pour onto the top of the water and be lit by a small firecracker after the Lovely Chastity was dropped into the cabinet. That was my insurance that if by some miracle the Lovely Chastity got free of her bonds, she would not escape the cabinet with out passing through the flames. And in case some misbegotten good samaritian tried to put out the fire with the fire extinguisher I had left near by, they would only be adding fuel to the fire. You see I had replaced the fire extinguisher provided by the fire marshal with one filled with kerosene. With any luck the whole carnival would burn to the ground!

Oh, it was a beautiful sight. The glowing fire highlighting the Lovely Chastity as she floated in the water. Little bubbles of air floating out from behind her gag and up into the flames.

By Water or Fire, the Lovely Chastity's fate was sealed.

I would have liked to stay and enjoy the spectacle, but I had to start on part two of my plan for revenge.

I quickly went to the trailer where Bruno Lampini, the owner of the carnival, was over seeing the collection of today's receipts.

As I went I striped off the clown costume and mask I was wearing. When I arrived at the trailer, I quickly checked that my disguise, that had been hidden under the clown mask, was still in place. I pounded on the trailer door.

"There's a fire. Something has gone wrong at the dunking booth. Come quick. Hurry. It's on fire." I said in a breathless rush.

Lampini quickly pushed me aside and barged out the of the trailer, slamming the door behind him.

As soon as he was out of sight, I went back to the trailer, open the door and went inside. You see while I was talking I had surreptitiously placed a strip of tape over the latch of the door. Slight of hand comes in handy in so many ways.

I quickly gathered up all the bundles of money that I could carry. The sacks of coins were just too conspicuous to carry and they were just too darned heavy. All in all, it wasn't a very large fortune, but it would tide me over for a few days.

To add more confusion, and to cause some more havoc, I spread my remaining supply of kerosene about the trailer and lit a slow burning match to give myself time to effect my escape.

Now I left the trailer and began to retrace my steps back to the dunking booth.

I couldn't help myself. I really should have gone on to part three of my plan for revenge, but I really, REALLY, wanted to see the end result of my handiwork.

As I got closer I could see the crowd was still milling about and heard loud shouts filling the air.

Where was the Fire? I should be able to see the flame above the heads of the people in the crowd, but I didn't.

As I pushed my way to the front of the mob of redneck ruffians, I saw her.
The Lovely Chastity was sitting at the bottom of the cabinet, still locked in her chains in ONLY TWO FEET OF WATER.

AARRRGGGHHHH!!!

I grabbed the person next to me and asked him what had happened.

"I don't know." he said. "I was standing here waiting my turn when that other feller dunked her. I was watching her as she was trying to get loose. Boy Howdy, is she built or what? I wouldn't mind gettin my hands on..." I interrupted him and asked him what happened to the water.
"Well, all of a sudden the water started pouring out the side of that there box." he stated. "The glass musta broke and the water done poured out onto the ground. It spread out all over carryin the fire with it. As the water spread over the ground, the fire went out."

I could now see several carnies working to try to get the Lovely Chastity out of the cabinet. She looked pale, shaky and a little water logged, but was apparently unharmed. It was probably the first bath she had this week! She wasn't even singed!

Blast It All!!!!

I Hate This! Why can't any of these things ever turn out right? Why do bad things always happen to me?

In sullen anger I made my way down the midway.

As I walked I realized I have over done it again. It was the fire. The heat from the fire caused the glass to expand and break. The fire was just too much. If I hadn't tried so hard to make the Chinese Water Torture Cabinet escape proof, everything would have been just fine.
"This is what you get for going over the top." I though to myself. "Your dreams go up in smoke, or down the drain."

Sigh.......

Oh well, part two of my plan, getting the money, seemed to go well enough. And that reminded me, I still had the final part of my plan for revenge to complete.

I immediately felt better at the thought of part three.
I proceed down the midway to the Hi-Striker Test of Strength booth manned by my dear old friend, Arno.

You know what a Hi-Striker is. It's that tall pole with a lever at the bottom and a bell at the top. You hit the lever with a hammer and send a weight to the top of the pole to ring the bell and win a prize.

As I approached, Arno didn't recognize me in my disguise. "Here ya go wimpy, are you sure you can even lift that hammer?" he said.

"I'll do my best" I replied in a high pitched nasal voice."

I lifted the hammer above my head and with all my strength brought it down onto the lever. The weight barely went halfway up the pole.

"Don't hurt yourself skinny" said Arno.

Again I lifted the hammer above my head and with all my strength brought it down onto Arno's left foot.

That was the foot he used to stand on the brake and increase the tension in the pole to prevent the weight from going all the way up. I told you most of the games at a carnival are rigged.

Arno grabbed his foot, jumped up and down on his right foot several time before falling over. He was howling at the top of his lungs. I enjoyed the look of fear and terror on his face as he awaited my final blow.
For the third and last time I lifted the hammer above my head and with all my strength brought it down onto...

The lever.

Ding!!!

The weight went all the way to the top and I had won my prize.

Boom!!!

Ah, Lampini's trailer. Right on time. That fire brought a warm feeling to my heart.

And so, with my revenge complete, the red glow of the carnival burning at my back, ill gotten gains lining my pockets, a song in my heart, a smile on my lips and the fuzzy purple dinosaur I won from Arno under my arm, I proceed down the road toward my next great adventure.