The Mad Magician - The Lovely Angela and the Guillotine

Excerpt from a court ordered psychological examination

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Yes doctor, I'm aware of the purpose of this interview and I understand the nature of the charges against me. That fool attorney of mine is attempting to plead an insanity defense for me. But let me assure you, I AM NOT INSANE.

I suppose some of the confusion is a result of the name "The Mad Magician". But this is merely a stage name, a theatrical pretension. Like Houdini, The Amazing Herrmann, The Great Gonzo.

Are you recording this? Good. No, I don't mind. The larger the audience, the better.

I suppose I should start on the night the unfortunate event occurred.

It was the night of my last scheduled performance in this fair city. It was time to move on to the next city on my world tour. I think it was Topeka. Yes the one in Kansas.

I was making preparations for that night’s performance when there was a knock on my dressing room door. It was my assistant, the Lovely Angela.

Have you every meet her?

No?

That is a shame. She was a sight to behold in the flesh. And what delightful flesh it was too.

Ah yes, the Lovely Angela. With the face of an angel. Hair like spun gold. Eyes like flashing sapphires. Lips like cherries. Skin as soft as silk. Breasts like ripe melons, honeydews not watermelons. Long curving legs that you eyes would follow up until---

But I digress.

Where was I?

Oh, yes.

She had come to announce that she would not be continuing with the tour and was leaving the show. Needless to say, I was shocked. Devastated. I tried to convince her to change her mind and stay. I told her how important she was to the act. How much time and effort we had spent to make the show a success. I even used that old chestnut about how the show must go on and how could it go on without her. I pleaded with her to stay, but she refused all my entreaties.

She was adamant in her decision. She said she had met some one new and could not continue. Tonight would be her final performance she said.

I composed myself and said I understood, but after she left, my heart was filled with grief.

Looking back in hindsight, I see that I should have suspected something earlier. She had been spending a lot of time in the company of another magician, the Magnificent Malcolm. Personally, I thought of him as the Mediocre Malcolm, that purveyor of pathetic, puerile prestidigitation.

After she left, I was consumed with despair. All I could think of was that I was losing her. She was leaving me for another. And as my sorrow increased, I realized the true horror of her leaving. She would tell Malcolm all of the secrets she had learned from me!

She would betray me! Me, who rescued her from her career as a Vice President of Acquisitions and Mergers in a Fortune 500 company! Me, who had taught her everything about magic! How to stand. How to point. How to take care of the rabbits.

She was leaving and taking my secrets with her! Well, she would take my secrets to the grave before she could take them to Malcolm the Mundane!

I could not allow this to happen!

What could I do?

And then in at the nadir of my agony, I knew what to do!

The Guillotine...

Yes, I know. You've seen the act a hundred times before. A young woman is placed in a guillotine, her head is cut off and magician miraculously reattaches her head. Leaving her none the worse for wear.

But I had added a new twist to this basic design.

Now the young woman is strapped to the guillotine and the rope suspending the blade is held in her mouth. The rope is then set on fire, giving her two minutes to free herself, or less if she screams. She struggles and squirms, but eventually the rope burns through and the blade descends cutting off her head. Her head is then restored to her shoulders by the magician and the audience applauds.

But now, with the Lovely Angela leaving, a few simple modifications would yield a far more dramatic result.

That night the show proceeded as usual until it was time for the Grand Finale.

The Lovely Angela looked ravishing, as she always did. She was dressed in her red six inch high heels, fishnet stockings, and a bodice cut so low it could only be held in place by magic.

I prepared her for this last act.

Her dainty feet were strapped together. Her delicate hands were tied behind her back. More straps secured her to the guillotine at her dimpled knees and narrow waist. The wooden cross piece was then set to hold her exquisite head in place. The blade was then raised up until it was poised to sever that graceful neck. A handle was attached to the end of the rope suspending the blade. I presented to her the handle for her ivory teeth to bite on to and hold the blade above her head.

At last, all was now in place.

With a grand sweep of my arm, I waved my magic wand and it's tip to burst into flame like a torch.

As I stepped forward to set fire to the rope, I paused and leaned over to her, looked deep within her eyes and said. "Do not cry out my dear. If you cry out, the blade will fall and cut off your beautiful yet traitorous head. This time, it is for real!" For a moment, her delightful mouth twitched to say something. But then she realized what I had said and those at sensuous lips shut even tighter around the handle. Fear now sprang up in those beguiling eyes. She had realized what I had done.

With a dramatic sneer, I said, "You should have never abandoned me for another. And what is worse, you should have never have tried steal my secrets. This is indeed your final performance." and thrust the flaming wand against the rope, setting the rope ablaze.

"You have two minutes to repent of your betrayal my dear. Farewell"

With a flourish of my cape and my best sinister laugh ringing from my lips, I strode away, stage left.

This was Wonderful. When the end finally came, it would all be explained as an unfortunate accident, a simple mechanical failure. And as a added bonus, my fame and notoriety would grow. I would have more bookings. I could even get a percentage of the concession stand sales.

All this plus revenge would be mine in less then two minutes.

It could not fail.

I could only imagine the dilemma my Lovely Angela faced. If she screamed for help, her voice would be stilled before she could finish her first word. If she struggled too violently, the handle would slip free, dropping the blade. If she waited too long to escape, the rope would burn through bringing down the final curtain for my Lovely Angela. And she could NOT escape.

The Lovely Angela was now twisting and writhing in the straps in a particularly appealing way. Her struggles were hesitant at first, she must have been afraid of losing her grip on the rope's handle. As the rope continued to burn, her struggles became more desperate.

I could see her strong hands twist as she tried to work them lose. She began to kick her feet up and down so violently her shoes slipped from her feet and flew across the stage.

It was at this time that I noticed the audience's reaction. They were enthralled. Mesmerized with her plight. They were caught up with the thrill of her fear and peril. Before when we a performed this act, no matter how I encouraged her, I could only get her to make a half hearted attempt to escape. But now she was giving her all for the show.

I should have done this a long time ago.

There was only a minute left now.

The Lovely Angela efforts began to settle down now as she brought her initial panic under control. She was no longer thrashing about wildly. Her hands, though still tied could reach the strap that held her waist. She began to unbuckle it. But that wouldn't free her. Her hands and feet were still tied. She was still secured at her neck and knees and she could not reach those bonds.

Now she bent her legs up at the knees. Her feet could just reach the back of her hands that were tied behind her back. She was trying to undo the straps around her wrists. Grasping the buckle and the strap with her toes, trying to get them undone. She worked them back and forth. I indulged in a low chuckle at her desperate attempts and then, unbelievably, she finally succeeded in undoing the straps! Her hands were now free!

I had taught her even better then I knew!

The audience was now completely caught up in her efforts. They were cheering her on. Although I don't think she appreciated it at the time.

But she was still held at her knees and neck, her feet were still tied and there was only about 30 seconds left before the rope burned through.

She now reached up and desperately worked at the latches that held the guillotine's wooden cross piece in place. She finally got the latches undone and grasped the cross piece with both hand and lifted up. The cross piece could not be removed from the guillotine and could only be raised. It was also very heavy and both hands had to be used to keep it up, otherwise it would slide back down. In her awkward position, she could only raise it about 8 inches. Her neck was now free, but could not let go of the handle in her mouth without letting the blade fall. If that happened she still couldn't pull her head back in time. Her legs were still strapped to the guillotine at the knees and her feet were still tied.

It was still impossible for her to escape, but as a precaution, I began to move back to the exit in case the impossible actually happened. After all, that's what magic is all about.

I could see her straining as she pushed against the cross piece. At one point the audience gasped as her left hand slipped almost dropping the cross piece, the handle almost slipped loose from her delicious mouth at that time as well.

BLAST IT!!! That should have been the end of her then and there.

There were only seconds left. Soon my fame would be assured and my revenge would be complete.

The rope was burning, burning, and now, suddenly, it parted. The blade of the guillotine dropped in a silvery flash and.

MISSED!!!

I couldn't believe it!

She was pushing so hard with her arms against the cross piece that when the rope parted, she for--d her head out from under the blade with the recoil. The only thing she lost was a lock of her golden hair.

Gasping and heaving the Lovely Angela finally let out the long drawn out scream that had been building in her for the last two minutes.

I quickly back away toward the stage door to make my exit and when I hear it.

The APPLAUSE of the audience. APPLAUSE and CHEERS, the likes of which I have never heard before.

And that's when the unfortunate thing happened. I couldn't stop myself. I should have fled and made good my escape, but instead, in the excitement of the moment I WENT BACK OUT ONTO THE STAGE TO ACCEPT MY OVATION AND BOWED TO THE AUDIENCE.

I admit in that moment, I lost my head, if you'll pardon the expression.

The rest of the story you know. I was arrested on the frivolous charges the Lovely Angela made against me. I mean really, the show had to go on and what is a little loss of life and limb compared to the GLORY that resulted.

So you see, I am not MAD!

Other then that one moment, when my desire for the audience's applause overcame me, I behaved in a completely rational way.

Is our time is up already? That's too bad. I enjoyed have a audience again.

But before you go doctor, there is one other thing. I must say, I am disappointed in the way you run this establishment you have here. I have been her several weeks now and I haven't been placed in a straight jacket even once! I mean really!! How can you expect a magician to escape from a mental hospital if you DON'T PUT ME IN A STRAIGHT JACKET?!!

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At this point the subject became violent and had to be sedated.

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EPILOGUE

Several weeks later, headlines read -

"The Mad Magician Escapes"

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SECOND EPILOGUE

This ad appeared in today's paper.

"WANTED - An Lovely Young Woman to become a Magician's Assistant.
Must be willing to risk LIFE and LIMB to insure that THE SHOW MUST GO ON!!!"