The Mad Magician - The Lovely Brooke and the Sawing a Woman in Half Trick

Excerpt from the Journal of the Mad Magician.

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Dear Diary,

(No, that's not right. That makes me sound like a love struck teenage girl.)

Dear Journal,

(That's much better.)

I have decided to start this journal in order to keep a accurate record of the amazing feats of magic I have performed so that future generations can better appreciate my skill and the understand the obstacles I have faced. Reporters, biographers and historians always get these things wrong.

(Note to Self - Who should play me in the movie version? Who can capture my style, charm and dashing good looks? Vincent Price? Carry Grant? David Niven? I may have to do it myself!)

After I had released myself in my own recognizance from my temporary rest in the Happy Dales Sanitarium for the Criminally Insane, I moved on to new challenges and opportunities.

In order to avoid undue complications with the local authorities, I changed my stage name to the Crazed Conjurer, (Clever ehh?), and used my skills with makeup to create a disguise. I then found temporary employment at a comedy club in a small college town. At this time I was in somewhat reduced circumstances. I had lost most of my equipment after the incident with the Lovely Angela and I was unable to perform the elaborate stage magic that I prefer. I was for--d to improvise. A hardware store and a small magic shop provided most of materials I needed for the show.

Unfortunately, no one had respond to my advertisement for a Magician's Assistant, and I had to fall back on that old standby, audience participation.

I had been performing in the club for a few week and things had been proceeding as well as could be expected. The only comment from the club management was that I need to incorporate more jokes in my performance. Jokes! What was really needed were thrills, drama and suspense! But that would soon be added to the show.

During the weeks I performed there, there had been many attractive young women that I called out of the audience to help me with the show. But none of them were quite right for one of my special grand performances. That was until the night when I first saw the Lovely Brooke in the audience and decided she would be my new assistant.

Ah, yes, the Lovely Brooke. She was a comely young coed in her early twenties. That night she was wearing the uniform of a waitress from a popular restaurant chain known more for its, - uh -, atmosphere, then the quality of the menu. You know the outfit I'm speaking of, sneakers, tight orange shorts and even tighter cut off T-shirt which displayed the name of the restaurant as well as her ample, - err -, charms. Her shoulder length brown hair was pulled back into a pony tail. She was tan and athletic looking with sparkling eyes, a lilting laugh and a dazzling smile. I was entranced. All I could see was her. She would be perfect as my new assistant.

I proceeded with the show as usual until it was time to perform the "Sawing a Women in Half Trick".

I shouldn't have to describe this trick to anyone who has ever seen a magic show. But in case you are suffering from amnesia, or are otherwise mentally deficient, this is how the trick is performed. A lovely young woman is placed in a long box with her head and feet sticking out of the ends. The box is closed and the magician saws through the middle of the box, cutting it in half, along with the lovely young woman inside. He then pulls the two halves of the box apart to demonstrate that the box, and the young lady, have been completely cut in half. Then the two halves are put back together again, leaving his lovely young assistant none the worse for wear. It is a simple trick and the secret to can be found by examining any beginner's book on magic. But in keeping with tradition, I will not revel that secret here! In any case, to create the thrills and suspense I wanted for tonight's performance, I would Literally Saw the Lovely Brooke in Half!

Don't misunderstand me. It's not that I had any animosity toward this beautiful young woman that I had never met before. But to give the audience the thrills and terror it wanted, and increase my own fame and notoriety, this was a necessary step. Besides, in return she would become famous over night and have her own 15 minutes of fame. For the amount of publicity she would receive after tonight, most young women would give their right arm. The Lovely Brooke would just be giving from a little lower down.

I now went into the audience and approached the my new, unsuspecting, lovely young assistant and asked if she would help me on the stage.
Naturally, she agreed.

Once we were on stage, I asked her the usual questions. What was her name? Had we ever met before? What did she do?

After these preliminaries were finished, the box was brought on stage.

The box was just a simple wooden crate that I had nailed together myself. On the back were hinges to open the lid on top of the box. On front were two padlocks to keep the lid closed when the box was sawed in half.

Before I asked her to get in the box, I reached behind the Lovely Brooke's head and produced a pair of hand cuffs from her hair. Just simple bit of slight of hand. I handed them to her and asked her to put them on. She promptly put them around each of her wrists locking her hands in front of her.

"It looks like you've done that before." I quipped.

She blushed in a delightful manner as the audience laughed.

Next, I helped her up into the box and asked her to lie down.

I positioned her head and lowered that section of the box, securing her in place. I then went to the other end of the box, took hold of both of her feet and secured them in position. Finally, I lowered the lid and locked it with two pad locks.

As I was doing this she whispered to me, "Hey, don't you put fake feet in the ends or something?"

I whispered back, "Yes my dear. If I were doing the trick as it is ordinarily done, I would do something like that. But tonight, I've decided to REALLY SAW YOU IN HALF!"

As we were talking, I had drawn out a handkerchief from my coat pocket, which was tied to another, and another and so on until I had several together in my hand. As the Lovely Brooke opened her mouth to call out or scream, as I knew she would, I stuffed the handkerchiefs into her mouth and used the last one to tie the gag in place.

"That's in case she changes her mind!" I japed to the audience.

For several moments she was frozen in shock while the audience laughed.

During this time I took off my top hat and reached inside.

The loud roar of a lion was heard coming from inside the hat and I hastily withdrew my hand.

"I must have brought the wrong hat!" I said as I threw the hat off the stage to the right. From stage left, another hat was promptly thrown into my waiting hands.

I reach inside this hat, as far as my arm could reach, and pulled out a six foot long hand saw.

I stepped behind the box, placed the saw into position and said to the Lovely Brooke, "Don't worry, this will be over in half a jiff.", and began to saw.

Back and forth the saw went as it cut into the box.

"Just think as this as a new weight loss plan." I said.

Back and forth, the saw continued to cut deeper into the box.

"I suppose you'll be half the woman you were when this is though." was my next joke.

Back and forth the went the saw.

"In a little while, you'll be beside yourself over this."

All right. So there is a reason why I'm a magician and not a comedian.

By this time, the Lovely Brooke had recovered from her shock and began to struggle. Her shining eyes were wide with terror! Her beautiful face was pale with fear! She was kicking her heels, shaking her head, making cute little "MMPHHHHH"ing sounds though her gag. Thump, Thump, Thump. Her hands began beating on the inside of the box's lid.
All along the saw got deeper and deeper as it went back and forth.

Whew, this sawing is a lot of work. Next time, I need to invest in a chainsaw.

Back and forth, back and forth, THUNK!

THUNK?? What was that?

The saw was stuck! I couldn't move it! I tried pushing, pulling and twisting it, but it wouldn't budge. I was just over half way through the box and now the saw wouldn't budge!

What on earth had happened?

I was so intent on freeing the saw that I was startled when a voice beside me said, "Hey! What's going on!”

I turned and came face to chest to with the six feet six, 295 pounds,
muscle bound boyfriend of the Lovely Brooke.

He looked a little miffed.

It was then and there that the second rule of magic was revealed to me.

The first is of course, "Get the Money up front."

The second is "No Lovely Assistants with Boyfriends twice as large as myself."

I had been so captivated by my newest assistant that I hadn't noticed this hulking behemoth with the overactive pituitary gland sitting beside her. How could I have missed him? I must have been blind not to see him!
Before I could stop him, he had reached down and removed the gag from the Lovely Brooke's luscious lips.

"Stop him! He's crazy!! He's trying to kill me!!!" she screamed.

What is it with these women? They always take these things so seriously!

At this statement, the great lumbering lummox came lurching toward me, intent on ripping out my lungs!

To defend myself against this enraged beast of my captive beauty, I reached into my cape, brought forth my trusty magic wand, raised it above my head, said the magic word, "Groucho", and with all my strength brought the wand crashing down upon his heavily calcified cranium! The wand bent from the impact it made on the head of this gorilla like paramour of my Lovely Brooke. Unfortunately, the blow did not seem to make a impression on him and he continued to approach. However the cloud of smoke that spouted from the end of the wand and into his face was much more effective.

The smoke quickly spread to fill the room. I quickly raised up my voice and shouted "FIRE!" The members of the audience began to scream and scattered toward the exits. In the confusion, I was able to make good my escape.

I later obtained a newspaper article that described that evening.
It's headline read:

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Attempted Murder in Comedy Club No Laughing Matter says Police!

Last night a young coed was almost killed in front of a live audience as a part of a magic show in a local comedy club. Police believe the suspect, who it still at large, is actually "The Mad Magician" who several weeks ago escaped from a mental institution.

Brooke Runt, a coed at the local college, described her harrowing ordeal.

"He just picked me out of the audience at random to help him with the trick. I had never seen him before. I just climbed into the box and he said he was going to kill me by sawing me in half. I didn't know what to think. He keep making jokes, but the saw keep getting closer and closer. I reached up with my hand and the saw cut my fingers. Then I knew he was serious! I began screaming and trying to get out, but couldn't. In desperation I put my hands under the saw and raised them up so the saw would cut off the handcuffs. The saw pulled the links of the handcuffs into the wood of the box, jamming it. That's when my boyfriend, Stanley, finally noticed how scared I really was and came up one stage and rescued me!"

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Gad, so that's how the saw jammed. She was mistaken in thinking that the saw would have cut though the handcuffs. It was just shear luck that it caused the saw to jam.

Oh well. Even though it didn't work out like I planned, it turned out almost as well. I bear her no grudge that she avoided becoming the sawed off Runt of her family.

And now, I can safely say that I am now one of the most sought after magician in the country today!

Or at least one of the 10 most wanted.