A Christmas Peril
by MMassey ESQ.
(With Apologies to Charles Dickens, Clement C. Moore and Everyone Who Has The Misfortune to Read This
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a louse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
In the house a damsel nestled, all snug in her bed,
In a short flimsy nightie made of black and of red;
She dreamed she was sitting on old Santa's lap,
Teasing and flirting and driving him quite mad;
'Be careful my dear, or you'll go on my list,
Not of good little girls, you wicked little wench';
Then she stretched on her bed, like a tawny young cat,
And dreamed of being naughty in her long winter's nap.
Then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
She sprang from her bed to see what's the matter;
Away to the window she flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash;
The moon on her breasts glowed like new fallen snow,
And gave luster to her lips, the color of rose;
When what to her wondering eyes should appear round the bend,
But a miniature sleigh, pulled by eight tiny henchmen;
With a little old driver, so twisted and bent,
She knew in a moment it was Dastardly Dick;
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
'Now, EGORE! Now, I-GORE! Now AL-GORE and MOE!
On SHEP! On LARRY! On CURLY and JOE!';
'Hurry on my dasterds, a damsel awaits,
And I'll not be stopped, not by lock nor by gate';
So wielding his whip on their backs with a will,
They charged down the road and on up the hill;
And then, in a twinkling, she heard on the roof,
The thud and the thunk of each grappling hook;
She drew back in horror and hurried down stairs,
While down the chimney came Dick, and around him he glared;
He was dressed all in black, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
His handlebar mustache was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as black as his soul;
A foul smelling cigar he held clinched in his teeth,
Blowing smoke at our damsel, who recoiled from the reek;
A bundle of ropes was flung from his back,
And he grinned at our damsel like a black cheshire cat;
Her skin was quite pale and she trembled with dread,
As visions of terror now danced through her head;
Her chest heaved and fell, she gasped with great fear,
Then quickly she turned and fled swift as a deer.
His henchmen came down, Dreadful Dick said 'Get her boys',
And quick as a wink, she was caught in his coils;
She was wrapped up in rope, from her neck to her toes,
Which Moe then tickled, causing her to wrinkled her nose;
Nasty Old Dick took her stocking from the chimney with care,
And used it to gag her, right then and right there;
His henchmen then placed her down under the tree,
While Black Hearted Dick now gloated with glee;
'You've been naughty, my dear, and not at all nice,
With a heart full of sin, and a bod made for vice';
'But I've a special present to give you this year,
Not coal, nor switches' he said with a leer;
From out of his sack, he pulled out a box,
All tied up in ribbons, in bows and in knots;
He tore open the box and pulled out a bomb,
Which he then placed before her, with simple aplomb.
He took up the fuse, and started to blow,
On the end of his cigar, which started to glow;
The fuse was now lit, how it sparked, how it smoked,
Now our damsel fought hard to get lose from the rope;
Our damsel she rolled, she twisted, she writhed,
She struggled for freedom, ere she run out of time;
Now Dastardly Dick thumbed his aquiline nose,
Then grabbing a rope, up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team a gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, like a rocketing missile;
He exclaimed, 'There's more damsels awaiting', as he drove out of sight,
'Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good....' - BOOM!
(Well, it almost rhymes
